By
Angela Hayden
ESSAY 1:
I grew up with domestic violence and witnessed my mother’s escape.
As an adult, I lived
with an abusive husband, leaving with my two children in 1996, our ninth departure. We first
went to my sister’s and slept on her floor. Through the assistance of a social service agency,
I learned of a shelter but didn't think I would qualify because I wasn't visibly bruised like Mom,
although I did feel her shame and worthlessness.
I remember my father kicking my mother in the stomach when she was six months pregnant.
He gave her black eyes and broke her nose twice. He would beat my brother and me in front
of each other and told us if we cried he would beat us more. Mom left Dad for the final time,
taking her five children to Aunt Rene’s where we joined a cousin and her children fleeing an
abuser. Mom borrowed Aunt Rene’s pistol, afraid of what Dad would do to us after his
release from jail. When he came, Mom confronted him with the gun. He left, but I always
wondered how our lives would have turned out if Mom had killed Dad that night.
At the time, my mother’s only recourse was to live in the projects in Houston: her two sisters
were married to abusive men and we couldn't stay with our grandparents because Grandpa had
molested Mom as a child and she was afraid he would molest us, although he eventually did.
Without a diploma, Mom worked full-time at night and attended school
full-time during the day.
While my mother never sought any counseling, I had access to a shelter and its services: a court
advocate to escort me to court, help in obtaining a protective order, an apartment with the
anonymity required to prevent our abuser from stalking us as he always had, daycare for my
children, and most importantly, help in locating psychiatric services to manage my depression
and post traumatic stress syndrome, as well much needed counseling for my daughters and myself.
I'd left my abuser so many times before and always returned because
of money and fear.
After eight consecutive departures and returns, I felt my daughters didn’t deserve such a pathetic
mother. I wasn’t there for the emotionally or financially. I felt like such a failure. I was ready to
end my life.
It took years to fully recognize my abuse. I didn’t know that besides physical abuse, domestic
violence includes emotional abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, using the children, economic abuse,
male privilege, coercion and threats. The shelter helped me gain control over my life. With their
help I went back to school and I am now a graphic designer. For the first time I feel more
important than my abusers and that I have a real chance to make it. My mother’s journey from
domestic violence ended with my journey. My daughters won’t repeat the cycle of abuse. That
is the most precious gift anyone has ever given me.
POETRY:
Pavlov’s Response
Domestic violence it starts out subtle
Starve little by little
Until you don’t realize you’re starving
Slowly conditioned
To accept a morsel
For a meal
And then feel grateful
And undeserving
----
Walk
Walk through the pain
Walk through it
Walk through the grief
Walk through it
Walk through the fear
Walk through it
Walk through the tears
Walk through it
Walk through it all
Until the day comes
when you can turn and look
at the trail you have left
for others who are suffering
turn and reach out your hand
and tell them they can walk the journey, too
tell them there is a treasure
that they will find within their journey
tell them of the strength you see
deep within them
tell them how much you respect their bravery for starting such a long walk
tell them to look around them at all the
tracks left by others and see that they are not alone
tell them that once they walk through the
forest of healing there is a valley of peace
to rest and dwell in
there is a deep well of love they can
drink from
it springs from their journey
The journey the began with one small step
---
IT’S
It’s over, concluded, totally demolished
It’s anger, betrayal, utterly acknowledged
It’s shame, denial personally embraced
It’s pain, injustice, staring you in the face
It’s detached, clinical, simply isolated
It’s power, control, secretly perpetrated
It’s hunger, starvation, numb reduction
It’s impact, terror, subtle destruction
The Making of a Woman
Avocado and mint on ice, very nice.
I love you, too.
Feeling sorry for myself
Push myself forward
Stay mobile
I see myself working
I see what I want
Sometimes I do something about it
But most of the time I don’t
I know there is always a solution
But self-pity usually stops me in my tracks
The amplitude varies and the sky gets heavy
The making of a woman
Bio:
The premise of this book is that domestic violence, child abuse and
incest are still prevalent
in our society after 20 years of proactive work by organizations. The goals of this book are
to educate people about domestic violence, incest and child abuse and to inspire them to
make a difference in their lives, the lives of their children and the lives of others. The book
details my journey through isolation and torment.
The credentials that I bring to this project are that I have served on the Board of Directors for
The Family Place, one of the largest family violence agencies in the country, as well as having
served on the boards of The Dallas Homeless Consortium and The Dallas Women’s Center.
I am a public speaker and have addressed audiences of over 500 regarding domestic violence,
incest and child abuse. I appeared on “Good Morning Texas” and have been interviewed by
media outlets in Austin, Texas where I testified before the Texas Senate regarding domestic
violence. The book consists of several short essays followed by poetry. I designed the cover and back
and included my artwork.
To purchase click through to:
DEAD
WRONG:The Truth Domestic Violence, Incest and Child Abuse