When spouses, intimate partners, or dates use physical violence, threats,
emotional abuse, harassment, or stalking to control the behavior of their
partners, they are committing domestic violence. Physical violence includes
putting your hands on a person against their will. It also includes shoving,
pushing, grabbing, pulling, or forcing some one to stay somewhere. Regardless
of the relationship between two people, using physical violence against
someone is a crime.
Very few people identify themselves as abusers or victims. They may
remain silent about the issue because of the havoc that domestic violence
has created in their workplace and family lives. Victims may be silent
about the abuse because of embarrassment or shame, or for fear that their
batterers will hurt them if they tell other people about the violence.
Abusers may minimize their actions or blame the victims for provoking the
violence. Both victims and abusers may characterize their experiences as
family quarrels that "got out of control."
Think about the following questions to identify whether you or someone
you know is a victim of domestic violence. Whether you are a professional
or a friend, asking these questions (in private) about domestic violence
can let victims or abusers know that the door is open for further discussion
and help. If you or someone you know is being abused, develop a safety
plan right away even if you do not intend to separate at this time.
Screening Questions
Domestic violence is not confined to "certain groups." Do not try to
predict who is a batterer and who is a victim of domestic violence. Ask
the following questions to determine whether domestic violence is occurring.
Everyone argues or fights with their partner or spouse now and then.
When you argue or fight at home, what happens? Do you ever change your
behavior because you are afraid of the consequences of a fight?
Do you feel that your partner or spouse treats you well? Is there anything
that goes on at home that makes you feel afraid?
Has your partner or spouse ever hurt or threatened you or your children?
Has your partner or spouse ever put their hands on you against your will?
Has your partner or spouse ever forced you to do something you did not
want to do? Does your partner or spouse criticize you or your children
a lot?
Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you from taking medication
you needed or from seeking medical help? Does your partner refuse to let
you sleep at night?
Has your partner or spouse ever hurt your pets or destroyed your clothing,
objects in your home, or something which you especially cared about? Does
your partner or spouse throw or break objects in the home during arguments?
Does your partner or spouse act jealously, for example, always calling
you at work or home to check up on you? Is it hard for you to maintain
relationships with your friends, relatives, neighbors, or co-workers because
your partner or spouse disapproves of, argues with, or criticizes them?
Does your partner or spouse accuse you unjustly of flirting with others
or having affairs? Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you from
leaving the house?
Does your spouse or partner make it hard for you to find or keep a job
or to go to school?
Every family has their own way of handling finances. Does your partner
or spouse withhold money from you when you need it? Do you know what your
family's assets are? Do you know where important documents like bank books,
check books, financial statements, birth certificates, and passports for
you and members of your family are kept? If you wanted to see or use any
of them, would your partner or spouse make it difficult for you to do so?
Does your spouse or partner sometimes spend large sums of money and refuse
to tell you why or what the money was spent on?
Has your spouse or partner ever forced you to have sex or made you do
things during sex that make you feel uncomfortable? Does your partner demand
sex when you are sick, tired, or sleeping?
Has your spouse or partner ever used or threatened to use a weapon against
you? Are there guns in your home?
Does your spouse or partner abuse drugs or alcohol? What happens?
Avoid Harmful Assumptions
There are no typical characteristics or profiles of abusers or victims.
Abusers may appear very charming or may seem like explosive or angry individuals.
Victims may seem extremely frightened or passive or may be quite angry
about what is happening. Rather than determining whether someone fits a
"type," determine whether the warning signs of abuse exist.
If some one declines to discuss domestic violence issues, consider whether
the silence may be due to a fear of the batterer, or to cultural, race
or gender issues which make it difficult to talk about such personal experiences.
If you suspect that some one is a victim of domestic violence, say the
following:
I am concerned about your safety.
You can talk to me about what is happening at home.
Domestic violence can harm your children.
Domestic violence is a crime.
I will help you find the legal and non-legal service referrals you
need.
Basic Warning Signs
Batterers use dominating, intimidating, terrifying, rule-making, stalking,
harassing and injurious behaviors to control and manipulate the actions
of their partners and sometimes their children.
The most obvious signs of domestic violence will be evidence of severe,
recurring, or life-threatening abuse, for example, repeated bruises, broken
bones, physical attacks, or threats with weapons.
Domestic violence is not just severe physical violence. It includes
slaps, pushes, shoves, threats, emotional and financial abuse, false imprisonment,
and any other behavior that batterers use to control and coerce victims.
If one partner or spouse frequently makes the other ask permission to do
things, domestic violence may be occurring.
Emotional abuse, where one partner continuously degrades or belittles
the other, or accuses the other of being stupid, unattractive, a bad parent,
unfaithful, or any other similar fault, can indicate domestic violence.
Many batterers use the legal system to punish their partners for taking
steps to free themselves from domestic violence. Extremely litigious behavior
following a separation may be a sign of domestic violence.
Batterers use issues arising in custody and visitation cases to try
to re-establish control over their victims. For example, a batterer may
fail to show up for scheduled visitation on time in order to harass the
victim or create a reason for further contact.
Batterers frequently display extreme jealousy. The following controlling
actions may signal that domestic violence is occurring:
Batterers often discourage their victims from seeking help. People who
have difficulty making or keeping appointments may be trying to avoid letting
their abusers know that they are seeking help.
Batterers frequently insist on accompanying victims to appointments,
even if they have no involvement in the case. During office visits or phone
calls, a batterer may try to speak for the victim, in order to control
the information the victim shares with you.
Batterers harass, stalk, and keep tabs on their victims. If someone
reports constant phone calls at work or home to keep track of their whereabouts,
consider whether other warning signs of domestic violence are present.
Batterers try to isolate their victims from emotional support systems
or sources of help. Be sensitive to persons who report that their partners
do not allow them to see relatives, friends, or neighbors. Also, be alert
for persons who tell you that their partners are excessively jealous of
persons they see outside of the home and make statements such as "if I
can't have you, nobody can."
Batterers also isolate their victims by sabotaging their ability to
get and keep jobs. Clients who keep changing or losing jobs or "cannot"
work because of their partners' disapproval or actions may be suffering
from domestic violence.
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