sam_vakan

Relationships with Pathological NARCISSISTS
by
Sam Vaknin, PhD.

THE NARCISSIST AND HIS FAMILY

Question:

Is there a "typical" relationship between the Narcissist and his family?

Answer:

We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we
are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts,
attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from
the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.

The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either
Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or
do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued).
The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the
outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration,
attention - in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions. He does
not require - nor does he seek - his parents' or his siblings' love, or
to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the
theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock
them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their
attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He emulates and simulates
an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these
effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars - their very self
is a false one). He plays the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient
and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or
physical (or anything else appreciated by the members of the family)
capacities and achievements. When confronted with (young) siblings or
with his own children, the narcissist is likely to undergo three
reactive phases:

At first, he perceives his offspring as a threat to his Narcissistic
Supply Sources (his turf, the Pathological Narcissistic Space). He does
his best to belittle them, hurt (also physically) and humiliate them and
then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he
retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional
absence and detachment ensues. The narcissist indulges himself in
daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia
and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to
the birth of his children or to the introduction of new centres of
attention to the family cell (even a new pet!).

Whatever the narcissist perceives to be his competition for scarce
Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where no
legitimacy exists for the uninhibited expression of the aggression and
hostility aroused by this predicament - the narcissist prefers to stay
away. He disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and
disinterested, directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents
(the more legitimate targets).

Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to
manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer.
Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their new-born children.
This way, indirectly, the narcissist basks in the attention directed at
the infant. An example: by being closely identified with his offspring,
a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother
("What an outstanding father he is"). He also assumes part of or all the
credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of
annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist
makes use of in most of his relationships.

As the baby/sibling grows older, the narcissist begins to see their
potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of
Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The
former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those
whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise
him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and
capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to
surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his
folies-de-grandeur. These roles - allocated to them explicitly and
demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist - are best
fulfilled by ones whose mind is not fully formed and independent. The
older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even
judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context
and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his
moves. They refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess
game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the
past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true
stature, talents and achievements - which, usually, lag far behind the
claims that he makes.

This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again,
he perceives his Siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly
becomes disillusioned, in one of the spastic devaluation reactions
typical of his appraisal of humans around him. He loses all interest,
becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to
communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and
scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged,
suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his
commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging)
to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, to suffer
their company and he believes himself to have been trapped. He rebels
either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally
sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical,
aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on).
Slowly - to justify his acts to himself - he gets immersed in conspiracy
theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the
family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or
subordinate him, do not understand him, stymie his growth. The
narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has
created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the
Narcissistic Space) - but also to his great relief and surprise (how
could they have let go someone as unique as he?).

This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new
family members - assimilation of siblings or offspring - obtaining
Narcissistic Supply from them - overvaluation of these new sources by
the narcissist - as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti
narcissistic behaviours - the narcissist devalues them - the narcissist
feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid - the
narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates. This cycle characterises
not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other
realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist,
initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he
develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures
and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He
overvalues them (they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the
biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).

But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a
critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite, all
constitute such behaviours) - the narcissist devalues all these
previously over-valued individuals. Now they are stupid, lack ambition,
skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's
vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them. The narcissist
feels that he is misallocating his resources (for instance, his time).
He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of
self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the
disintegration of his life.

Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate,
the narcissist is predictable in his Death Wish. What sets him apart
from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small,
tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.

NARCISSISTS AND VIOLENCE

Question:

I am afraid of my ex-Narcissist. He stalks me, harasses me, thrreatens
me verbally. Can he become real violent? Am I at risk? I am mostly
worried about my children. Will he do something bad to them to get back
at me?

Answer:

Pathological narcissism is a spectrum of disorders. People suffering
from the full blown, all-pervasive, personality distorting mental health
disorder known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - are,
indeed, more prone to violence than others. Actually, the differential
diagnosis (=the difference) between NPD and AsPD (Antisocial PD,
psychopaths) is very blurred. Most psychopaths have narcissistic traits
and many a narcissist are also sadists. Both types are devoid of
empathy, remorseless, ruthless, and relentless in their pursuit of their
goals (the narcissist's goal is narcissistic supply or the avoidance of
narcissistic injury). Narcissists often use verbal and psychological
abuse and violence against those closest to them. Some of them move from
abstract aggression (the emotion leading to violence and permeating it)
to the physically concrete sphere of violence. More about narcissistic
rage here - The Iron Mask.

Many narcissists are also paranoid and vindictive. They aim to punish
(by tormenting) and destroy the source of their frustration and pain.

Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive
narcissists:

1. To Frighten Them

Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy
and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result,
they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening the
narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If sufficiently
deterred - the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he
was fighting for and sometimes make amends.

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows
at them - until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example:

If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact - one should use this to
threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious
witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist
has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest.

The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in
child abuse, in infidelity - there are so many possibilities, which
offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-committally,
gradually, in an escalating manner - the narcissist crumbles, disengages
and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding
hurt and pain. Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a
whole PNS (pathological narcissistic space) in response to a
well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, a narcissist may leave
town, change a job, desert a field of professional interest, avoid
friends and acquaintances - only to secure a cessation of the
unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.

I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the
narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by
horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The
narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.

You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an
ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist
will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark,
generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally,
preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad
daylight. If done in the wrong way - they might constitute extortion or
blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

2. To Lure Them

The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him
continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you.
Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply - the narcissist immediately
becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over
his "property" and "territory". Under the influence of narcissistic
supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated.
He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens. You can
make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening
to withhold narcissistic supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex,
awe, subservience, etc.).

CAN THE NARCISSIST EVER GET BETTER? SHOULD I WAIT?

Question:

I love him. I cannot leave him like that. He is like a crippled small
child. My heart goes out to him. Will he ever get better? Can he ever
get better?

Answer:

A Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a systemic, all-pervasive
condition, very much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't.
Once you have it, you have it day and night, it is an inseparable part
of the personality, a recurrent set of behaviour patterns.

Recent research shows that there is a condition which might be called
"Transient or Temporary or Short Term Narcissism" as opposed to "The
Real Thing - The Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD)" (Roningstam,
1996). The phenomenon of "Reactive Narcissistic Regression" is well
known: people regress to a transient narcissistic phase in reaction to a
major life crisis which threatens their mental composure.

There are narcissistic touches in every personality and in this sense,
all of us are narcissists to a certain extent. But this is a far cry
from the NPD pathology.

One bit of good news: no one knows why, but, in certain, rare, cases,
with age (in one's forties), the disorder seems to decay and, finally,
stay on in the form of a subdued mutation of itself. This does not
universally occur, though.

Should a partner stay on with a narcissist in the hope that his disorder
will be ameliorated by ripe old age? This is a matter of value
judgement, preferences, priorities, background, emotions and a host of
other "non-scientific" matters. There could be no one "right" answer. It
would seem that the only valid criterion is the partner's well being. If
he or she feels bad in a relationship (and no amount of self-help or of
professional help suffices) - then looking for the exit sounds like a
viable and healthy strategy.

This raises the second part of the question: a relationship with a
narcissist is sometimes a kind of co-dependence, even symbiosis. Read
"The Inverted Narcissist". Moreover, the narcissist is a superb
emotional manipulator and extortionist. In some cases, there is real
threat to his mental stability. Even "demonstrative" (failed) suicide
cannot be ruled out in the repertory of narcissistic reactions to
abandonment. And even a modest amount of residual love harboured by the
narcissist's partner makes the separation very difficult for him or her.

But there is a magic formula.

A narcissist is with his partner because he regards IT as a Source of
Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put
differently: the minute that the partner ceases to supply him with what
he needs - he loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously - the
narcissist objectifies his partners, treats them as he would inanimate
objects.)

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon Sources of
Narcissistic Supply) to devaluation (reserved for other mortals) is so
swift that it is likely to inflict pain upon the narcissist's partner,
even if he previously prayed for the narcissist to depart and leave him
alone. The partner is the narcissist's pusher and the drug that he is
selling to him is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the
narcissist's very essence (his False Self).

Without Narcissistic Supply the narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and
shrivels - very much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to
sunlight.

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: if you wish to
sever your relationship with the Narcissist, stop providing him with
what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm
anything that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him (or
put him in perspective and proportion), compare him to others, tell him
that he is not unique, criticise him, make suggestions, offer help. In
short, deprive him of that illusion which holds his personality
together.

The narcissist is a delicately attuned piece of equipment. At the first
sign of danger to his inflated, fantastic and grandiose self - he will
disappear on you.

So I repeat:

That pathological narcissism is very hard to treat successfully is the
position of clinical psychologists (which I am NOT) who bothered to
write about the subject. NPD has been recognised as a distinct mental
disorder a little more than two decades ago. There is no one who can
honestly claim expertise or even in-depth understanding of this complex
condition. My writings are limited to its phenomenology. I deal very
briefly (and unconvincingly) with its aetiology (and I follow in this
the Object-Relations school of psychodynamics for want of a better
"explanation"). So, no one knows whether therapy works. What IS known is
that therapists find narcissists repulsive, overbearing and unnerving.
It is also known that narcissists try to co-opt, play-down or even
humiliate the therapist.

To a narcissist, I would recommend a more functional approach, perhaps
along the following lines:

"Dear Narcissist,

Know and accept thyself. This is what you are. You are highly
intelligent. You are very inquisitive. You are a narcissist. These are
facts. Narcissism is an adaptive mechanism. It is dysfunctional - but it
saves you from a LOT MORE dysfunction or even non-function. Make a list:
what does it mean to be a narcissist in your specific case? What are
your typical behaviour patterns? Which types of behaviour are
counterproductive, irritating, self-defeating or self-destructive? Which
are productive, constructive and should be enhanced DESPITE their
pathological origin?
Decide to suppress the first and to promote the latter. Construct lists
of self-punishments, negative feedback and negative reinforcements.
Impose them upon yourself when you exhibit one of the behaviours in the
first list. Make a list of prizes, little indulgences, positive
feedbacks and positive reinforcements. Use them to reward yourself when
you display a behaviour of the second kind.
Keep doing this with the express intent of conditioning yourself. Be
objective, predictable and just in the administration of both
punishments and awards, positive reinforcements and feedback and
negative ones. Learn to trust your "inner court". Constrain the
sadistic, immature and ideal parts of your personality (known as
"Superego" in psychoanalytic parlance) by the application of a uniform
codex, a set of immutable and invariably applied rules.
Once sufficiently conditioned, monitor yourself incessantly. Narcissism
is sneaky and it possesses all your resources because it is you. Your
disorder is intelligent because you are. Beware and never lose control.
With time this onerous regime will become a second habit and supplant
the narcissistic (pathological) superstructure.
You might have noticed that all the above can be amply summed by
suggesting to you to become your own parent. This is what parents do and
the process is called "education" or "socialisation". If your path to
the adoption of this course is a particular therapy - go ahead. As a
metaphor, a narrative, no therapeutic approach is better or worse than
any other."

The heart of the beast is the inability of the narcissist to distinguish
true from false, posing from being, Narcissistic Supply from genuine
relationships and compulsive drives from true interests and avocations
in his life. Narcissism is about deceit. It blurs the distinction
between authentic actions, true motives, real desires, original
emotions - and the malignant forms that are the attributes of
narcissism. Narcissists are no longer capable of knowing themselves.
Terrified by their internal apparitions, paralysed by their
inauthenticity, suppressed by the weight of their repressed emotions -
they occupy a hall of mirrors. Munch-like, their elongated figures stare
at them, on the verge of THE scream, yet somehow, without sound. Their
curious, vibrant, optimistic True Self is dead. How can a False Self be
anything but false? How can anyone on a permanent diet of reflections
ever see true objects? How can the narcissist - whose essence is the
devouring of meaningful others and their transformation into meaningless
and other - ever love?

The answer is: discipline, decisiveness, clear targets, conditioning,
justice. The narcissist is the product of unjust, capricious and cruel
treatment. He is the finished product of a production line of
self-recrimination, guilt and fear. He needs to take the antidote to
counter the narcissistic poison. Unfortunately, there is no drug I know
of which can ameliorate pathological narcissism. Confronting one's
parents and childhood is a good idea if the narcissist feels that he is
ready for it. Can he take it? Can he cope with new truths, however
painful? The narcissist must be careful. This is playing with fire. But
if he feels confident that there is nothing that can be revealed to him
in such a confrontation that he cannot withstand - it is a good and wise
move in the right direction. My advice to the narcissist would then be:
just dedicate a lot of time to rehearsing it and define well what is it
exactly that you want to ask. Do not turn this into a monodrama, group
dynamics or trial. Ask so that you shall be answered. Don't try to prove
anything, to vindicate, to take revenge, to win, to exculpate. Talk as
you would with yourself. Do not try to sound professional, mature,
intelligent, knowledgeable and distanced. There is no "problem to
solve" - just a condition to adjust yourself to. Think about it as
diabetes.

At the risk of sounding heartless, I will make three concluding
comments:

The narcissist should take life in general and himself, in particular,
much less seriously. Being immersed in one's self and in one's condition
is never the right recipe to functionality, let alone happiness. The
world is a comic, absurd place. It is indeed a theatre to be enjoyed. It
is full of colours and smells and sounds to be treasured and cherished.
It is varied and it accommodates and tolerates everyone and everything,
even narcissists.
The narcissist should regard his condition as an asset. I am a
narcissist, so I write about it. My advice to the narcissist would be:
ask yourself what can you do with it? In Chinese the ideogram for
"crisis" and "opportunity" is one and the same. Why don't you transform
the curse in your life - into a blessing in other people's lives? Why
don't you tell them your story, warn them, teach them how to avoid the
same pitfalls, how to cope with the damage? Why don't you do all this in
a more institutionalised manner? For instance, you can start a
discussion group on the internet. You can establish "Narcissists
Anonymous" in some community shelter. You can open a correspondence
network, a help centre for men in your condition, for women abused by
narcissists ... the possibilities are endless. And it will instil in you
a regained sense of self-worth, a purpose, self-confidence and
reassurance. It is only by helping others that we can help ourselves.
This is, of course, a suggestion - not a prescription. But it
demonstrates the ways in which you can derive power from adversity.
It is easy for the narcissist to think about Pathological Narcissism as
the source of all that is evil and wrong in his life. Narcissism is a
catchall phrase, a conceptual scapegoat, an evil seed. It conveniently
encapsulates the predicament of the narcissist. It introduces logic and
causal relations into his baffled, tumultuous world. But this is a trap.
The human psyche is too complex to be captured by a single,
all-encompassing explanation, however convincing. The road to self-help
and self-betterment passes through numerous junctions and stations.
Narcissism is the first and the foremost. But there are many other
elements in the complex dynamics that is the soul of the narcissist. The
narcissist should take responsibility for his life and not relegate it
to some hitherto rather obscure psychodynamic concept. This is the first
and most important step to healing.

DIVORCING THE NARCISSIST

Question:

I finally mustered the courage and determination to divorce him. But he
refuses to let go, he threatens me and stalks and harasses me. I am
sometimes afraid for my life. He is also a convincing pathological liar.
I am afraid he will turn the judge against me...

Answer:

I am not a divorce lawyer and, therefore, cannot relate to the legal
aspects of your predicament. But I can elaborate on three important
elements:

I. How to cope with your narcissist throughout the prolonged process?

II. How to expose the manipulations of the narcissist in court?

III. What to expect of the narcissist as your divorce unfolds? Will he
become violent?

Divorce is a life crisis - and more so for the narcissist. The
narcissist stands to lose not only his spouse but an important source of
narcissistic supply. This results in narcissistic injury, rage, and an
all-pervasive feelings of injustice, helplessness and paranoia.

I. How to Cope with the Narcissist

If he has a rage attack - rage back. This will provoke in him fears of
being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might
seem unbelievable. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic
shifts in mood and in behaviour patterns.

Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens -
threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If
he leaves the house - leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is
suspicious - act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go
down to his level - because that is where he permanently is. Faced with
his mirror image - the narcissist always recoils.

The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your own
life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute
prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a
full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons
around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks.

II. The Narcissist in Court

How can you expose the lies of the Narcissist in a court of law? He acts
so convincing!

A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL pillar and the
PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any cross-examination or deposition of a
narcissist.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate,
thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that
narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by
offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of the
facts.

It is very easy to break a narcissist - even a well-trained and prepared
one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception
of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake
achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist
fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated,
subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any
description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable
from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy,
dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible,
susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an
effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose
facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or
violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so
cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater
to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to
special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular
person.

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the
narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even
sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame
the narcissist.

Add to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and
the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that he does not
deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority,
that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average
practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he
and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will
do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that
no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of
self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist
will lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding
crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ("You are not as
intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It
takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no
formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ...
sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study?
Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would
you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view
that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is
(suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief)". I know that many
of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you
CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during
the examination or deposition phase, etc.

III. What to Expect

Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass.

Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive
narcissists:

1. To Frighten Them

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows
at them - until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example:

2. To Lure Them

IS THERE ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MALE AND FEMALE NARCISSISTS?

Question:

You keep writing about male narcissists. Is there any difference between
male narcissists and female narcissists?

Answer:

I keep using the male third person singular in my writings ("he")
because most narcissists (75%) are males and because there is no
difference between the male and female narcissists except in two things:

In the manifestation of their narcissism, female and male narcissists,
inevitably, do tend to differ. They emphasise different things. They
transform different elements of their personality and of their life into
the cornerstones of their disorder. They both conform to cultural
stereotypes, gender roles, and social expectations.

Women, for instance, concentrate on their body (as they do in eating
disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa). They flaunt and
exploit their physical charms, their sexuality, their socially and
culturally determined "femininity". In its extreme form this is known as
HPD or the Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Many female narcissists secure their Narcissistic Supply through their
more traditional gender roles: the home, children, suitable careers,
their husbands ("the wife of..."), their feminine traits, their role in
society, etc. It is no wonder than narcissists - both men and women -
are chauvinistically conservative. They depend to such an extent on the
opinions of people around them - that, with time, they are transformed
into ultra-sensitive seismographs of public opinion, barometers of
prevailing winds and guardians of conformity. Narcissists cannot afford
to seriously alienate those who reflect to them their False Self. The
very proper and on-going functioning of their Ego depends on the
goodwill and the collaboration of their human environment.

Even the self destructive and self defeating behaviours of narcissists
conform to traditional masculine and feminine roles.

Besieged and consumed by pernicious guilt feelings - many a narcissist
seek to be punished. The self-destructive narcissist plays the role of
the "bad guy" (or "bad girl"). But even then it is within the
traditional socially allocated roles. To ensure social opprobrium (read:
attention, i.e., narcissistic supply), the narcissist cartoonishly
exaggerates these roles. A woman is likely to label herself a "whore"
and a male narcissist to style himself a "vicious, unrepentant
criminal". Yet, these again are traditional social roles. Men are likely
to emphasise intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status.
Women are likely to emphasise body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine
"traits", homemaking, children and childrearing - even as they seek
their masochistic punishment.

Another difference is in the way they react to treatment. Women are more
likely to resort to therapy because they are more likely to admit to
their psychological problems. But while men may be less inclined to
DISCLOSE or to expose their problems to others (the macho-man factor) -
it does not necessarily imply that they are less prone to admit it to
themselves. Women are also more likely to ask for help than men.

Yet, the prime rule of narcissism must never be forgotten: the
narcissist uses anything available to obtain his (or her) Narcissistic
Supply. Children happen to be more around the female narcissist because
women are still the primary caregivers and the ones who give birth. It
is easier for a woman to think of her children as her extensions because
they once indeed were her physical extensions and because her on-going
interaction with them is both more intensive and more extensive. This
means that the male narcissist is more likely to regard his children as
a nuisance than as a source of rewarding Narcissist Supply - especially
as they grow older and become autonomous. Devoid of the diversity of
alternatives available to men - the narcissistic woman fights to
maintain her most reliable source of supply: her children. Through
insidious indoctrination, guilt formation, emotional extortion,
deprivation and other psychological mechanisms, she tries to induce in
them a dependence, which cannot be easily unraveled.

But, there is no psychodynamic difference between children as sources of
narcissistic supply - and money, or intellect, or any other Source of
Narcissistic Supply. So, there is no psychodynamic difference between
male and female narcissists. The only difference is in their choices of
sources of narcissistic supply.

There are mental disorders, which afflict a specific sex more often.
This has to do with hormonal or other physiological dispositions, with
social and cultural conditioning through the socialisation process, and
with role assignment through the gender differentiation process. None of
these seem to be strongly correlated to the formation of malignant
narcissism.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as opposed, for instance, to the
Borderline or the Histrionic Personality Disorders, which afflict women
more than men) seems to conform to masculine social mores and to the
prevailing ethos of capitalism. Ambition, achievements, hierarchy,
ruthlessness, drive are both social values and narcissistic male traits.
Social thinkers like Lasch speculated that modern American culture - a
narcissistic, self-centred one - increases the rate of incidence of the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

To this Kernberg answered, rightly:

"The most I would be willing to say is that society can make serious
psychological abnormalities, which already exist in some percentage of
the population, seem to be at least superficially appropriate."

THE NARCISSIST IN THE WORKPLACE

Question:

The Narcissist turn the workplace into a duplicituous hell. What to do?

Answer:

To a narcissist-employer, the members of his "staff" are secondary
sources of Narcissistic Supply. Their role is to accumulate the supply
(in humanspeak, remember events that support the grandiose self-image of
the narcissist) and to regulate the narcissistic supply of the
narcissist during dry spells (simply put, to adulate, adore, admire,
agree, provide attention and approval and so on or, in other words, be
an audience). The staff (or should we say "stuff"?) is supposed to
remain passive. The narcissist is not interested in anything but the
simplest function of mirroring. When the mirror acquires a personality
and a life of its own, the narcissist is incensed. When independent
minded, an employee might be in danger of being sacked by his employer
(an act which demonstrates the employer's omnipotence).

The employee's presumption to be the employer's equal (friendship is
possible only among equals) injures the latter narcissistically. The
employer is willing to accept his employees as underlings, whose very
position serves to support his grandiose fantasies. But the grandiosity
rests on such fragile foundations, that any hint of equality,
disagreement or need (that the Narcissist "needs" friends, for instance)
threatens the narcissist profoundly. The narcissist is exceedingly
insecure. It is easy to destabilize his impromptu "personality". His
reactions are merely in self-defense.

Classic narcissistic behavior is when idealization is followed by
devaluation. The devaluing attitude develops as a result of
disagreements OR simply because time has eroded the employee's capacity
to serve as a FRESH source of supply.

The employee, taken for granted by the Narcissistic employer, becomes
uninspiring as a source of adulation, admiration and attention.

The narcissist always seeks new thrills and stimuli.

The narcissist is notorious for his low threshold of resistance to
boredom. His behaviour is impulsive and his biography tumultuous
precisely because of his need to introduce uncertainty and risk to what
he regards as "stagnation" or "slow death" (i.e., routine). Most
interactions in the workplace are part of the rut - and thus constitute
a reminder of this routine - deflating the narcissist's grandiose
fantasies.

Narcissists do many unnecessary, wrong and even dangerous things in
pursuit of the stabilization of their inflated self-image.

Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy, or by the constant reminders of
the REAL, nitty-gritty world. It reduces them, makes them realize the
"grandiosity gap" (between their self-image and reality). It is a threat
to the precarious balance of their personality structures (mostly
"false", that is, invented) and treated as such.

Narcissists forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in
cognitive dissonance. They "pathologize" the other, foster feelings of
guilt and shame in her, demean, debase and humiliate in order to
preserve their sense of grandiosity.

Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because
their very self is FALSE, an invention.

Here are a few useful guidelines:

Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;

Never offer him any intimacy;

Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his
professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with
women and so on);

Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to
his sense of grandiosity ("these are the BEST art materials ANY
workplace is going to have", "we get them EXCLUSIVELY", etc.);

Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on
his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills,
capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences
start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you
don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you
cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists
react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never
mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity,
narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their
internalization processes were derailed and they did not differentiate
properly)...".
You get the gist of it.

COPYRIGHT

One time English language print North American Rights and right to
maintain in an archive indefinitely - granted.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

(1) Alford, C. Fred - Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and
Psychoanalytic Theory - New Haven and London, Yale University
Press -1988
(2) Fairbairn, W. R. D. - An Object Relations Theory of the
Personality - New York, Basic Books, 1954
(3) Freud S. - Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905) - Standard
Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud - Vol. 7 -
London, Hogarth Press, 1964
(4) Freud, S. - On Narcissism - Standard Edition - Vol. 14 - pp. 73-107
(5) Golomb, Elan - Trapped in the Mirror : Adult Children of Narcissists
in Their Struggle for Self - Quill, 1995
(6) Greenberg, Jay R. and Mitchell, Stephen A. - Object Relations in
Psychoanalytic Theory - Cambridge, Mass., Harvard University Press, 1983
(7) Grunberger, Bela - Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays - New York,
International Universities Press - 1979
(8) Guntrip, Harry - Personality Structure and Human Interaction - New
York, International Universities Press - 1961
(9) Horowitz M.J. - Sliding Meanings: A defense against threat in
narcissistic personalities - International Journal of Psychoanalytic
Psychotherapy - 1975;4:167
(10) Jacobson, Edith - The Self and the Object World - New York,
International Universities Press - 1964
(11) Kernberg O. - Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism -
New York, Jason Aronson, 1975
(12) Klein, Melanie - The Writings of Melanie Klein - Ed. Roger
Money-Kyrle - 4 vols. - New York, Free Press - 1964-75
(13) Kohut M. - The Analysis of the Self - New York, International
Universities Press, 1971
(14) Lasch, Christopher - The Culture of Narcissism - New York, Warner
Books, 1979
(15) Lowen, Alexander - Narcissism : Denial of the True Self -
Touchstone Books, 1997
(16) Millon, Theodore (and Roger D. Davis, contributor) - Disorders of
Personality: DSM IV and Beyond - 2nd ed. - New York, John Wiley and
Sons, 1995
(17) Millon, Theodore - Personality Disorders in Modern Life - New York,
John Wiley and Sons, 2000
(18) Roningstam, Elsa F. (ed.) - Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic,
Clinical, and Empirical Implications - American Psychiatric Press, 1998
(19) Rothstein, Arnold - The Narcissistic Pursuit of Reflection - 2nd
revised ed. - New York, International Universities Press, 1984
(20) Schwartz, Lester - Narcissistic Personality Disorders - A Clinical
Discussion - Journal of Am. Psychoanalytic Association - 22 (1974):
292-305
(21) Stern, Daniel - The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from
Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology - New York, Basic Books,
1985
(22) Vaknin, Sam - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited - Skopje
and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999, (Revised Edition) 2001
(23) Zweig, Paul - The Heresy of Self-Love: A Study of Subversive
Individualism - New York, Basic Books, 1968

AUTHOR's BIO:

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited", the owner of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List, and the
editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and
searcheurope.com.

His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com

E-mail: palma@unet.com.mk

Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html

Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101:

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

http://www.suite101.com/topic_page.cfm/6514/2051

Q&A regarding relationships with abusive narcissists:

http://samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.html

Narcissistic Personality Disorder at a Glance:

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips:

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

COPYRIGHT

One time English language print North American Rights and right to
maintain in an archive indefinitely - granted.