What You Can Expect

What You Can Expect
By
Lili Pintea-Reed, PhD

When I first had to sue for my pregnancy leave, now years ago, I had no idea what to expect. I had a good working knowledge of the law as it existed in 1991, and a handy fee sheet from my lawyer, but I only known one person in my life who had sued over a job related civil rights issue -- a woman fired from her job when she hhad the beginning symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.

Quite frankly, I had no idea what to expect. Because of this ignorance, I was unprepared for the amazing onslaught which at times threatened to overwhelm me.

I have thought a long while about writing about my experiences, but had not done so as I feared my stories might discourage someone from pursuing her rights in the court. However, I concluded that I would have greatly benefited by some knowledgeable warning of what to expect when one justly sues for ones rights. I hope my experiences will help new human rights activists and those helping and advising them to make good plans and provisions for the court case and the attendant problems which will invariably arise.

And yers, I got my Money, but it weas much harder than the law suggests it should have been.

Generally speaking, most people involved in civil rights cases around "women's issues" tend to initially compartmentalize the problem, and think of it as a "business issue" or one which is "work specific." This is a major misunderstanding of perpetrators and their perceptions (or more accurately misperceptions) of reality and relationships. Perpetrators don't see the world as divided into "business" and "personal," but rather as boundariless with a tremendous (perhaps psychotic or intermittently psychotic) blurring, or fusion, of personal and professional. Ergo they bring the personal into the work setting and then are deeply personally offended (perhaps psychotically) when a hapless co-worker attempts to set commonly accepted boundaries around work behavior.

For example: the perp is constantly placing his hands on you as if you were good friends at a party, or as though you were a close friend or family member. You ask him to stop, and he acts "as if" he were a close personal friend or lover whom you just rejected. All your attempts to verbally clarify the situation just seem to drive him deeper into hysterics over the issue. He may become loud and threatening. Most people respond with shock to such behavior. It is so inappropriate in the work setting that most people are initially stunned into silence. The perp may then relent, thinking he has cowed you into submission. He might try again right then and there. Most of the women who press charges are fully aware of their value and resist --often loudly -- at this second attemptt. How many frightened, cowed, more fearful women give up at this point, we can only speculate.

An odd dynamic can then ensue. If the victim attempts to be "reasonable" and work out a tolerable range of work behaviors, the perp (once again not separating "personal" issues from work behavior) may interpret this as concession to his demands. He conceivably will try again to molest you. If you once again resist, he may accuse you of being a "tease" or something equally ridiculous.

Let me add at this point that when I was trained as a therapist, we were told that if you find yourself describing a patient's behavior with the terms "ridiculous" or "acts as if", you are most likely dealing with a borderline psychotic. This a psychological term which describes a mental health condition in which the person has a very fragile grip on reality and is literally ready to in common terms "go off" or "flip out" with very little stimuli from the environment. This observation in no way excuses the behaviors. These people are fully capable of getting help for their mental health problems and should do so. They are not insane.

Since we know that few of these types seek voluntary treatment, and the treatment for borderline psychotic conditions is very poor, one should not expect much when we first report these behaviors to a senior supervisor. My experience and that of many others is that the perp's behaviors will be minimized by most of the people in the work environment. Unless the perp just started to work there, they are already fully aware of his behavior.

The most common responses you will find in most job settings will be denial and minimizing.

The perp will deny and minimize (often simultaneously!) his behavior, while the bulk of the office will do the same thing. The perp will do this to try and escape consequences for his behavior, and the office staff will do so out of fear. There will be an amazing amount of bending of reality to accomplish both of these aims. The whole office starts to resemble a colluding dysfunctional family in which the perp takes on the role of the abuser (or sadist) and the rest of the office fulfills the victim (or masochist) role, colluding and facilitating the perp's behavior in order to avoid re-victimization themselves. Just like in an abusive family (one can only speculate on these people's families of origin) the victims want you to shut up and "take it" to save them.

A example from my own experience is that a perp in these sort of "perp friendly" settings will be able to walk up in full view of the office staff and run his hand down your back and pat your behind several times, with no one but yourself expressing dismay over his conduct. Most of the staff will flee when you speak up, or lower their heads and actually physically hide themselves from view. If you complain to higher authority, no one will remember such a stunning violation of physical sanctity. Personnel or upper management will minimize the incident saying that you misunderstood a "friendly" gesture. Most generally, they will refuse to document your complaint, or will tell you they have done so while actually doing nothing, so down the road when you re-complain (and you will), there will be no paperwork on file to back you up. My strong suggestion from the first is to file a written complaint, and have it notarized or give it to your attorney. Give copies to all relevant personnel or grievance officers and upper management.

Be aware that once you make even one complaint, just like in an abusive family, the perp will focus an insane amount of energy into trying to control you. You must understand that the moment you rejected the pass and/or assault and refused victim status, you became a tremendous threat to the perp both professionally and psychologically. The psychological component may be the most important factor.

" But," you protest "I just don't want this guy touching me, or being socially inappropriate."

I agree this may be your perception of your situation, but it is not a perp's. They do not see human relationships as cooperative, but as expressive of dominance relationships. When you refuse victim status, the only conclusion a perp derives from this is that you wish to replace him in the sadist position.

"But," you protest, "that's crazy."

I agree it is. I think perps and their collusive victims are crazy, so don't expect any of your behavior to provoke a normal sensible response. Probably the best course of action is to leave the abusive setting. However, as I've mentioned, one element of the dynamic is that the perp fears public exposure. Your very first rejection made you horribly "dangerous" to them. Therefore, the likelihood after even one rejection that that you will receive a good reference and easy job transfer is next to nil. The game for the perp is not to make you go away.... It is to successfully dominate and silence you.

So again I mention that the easiest solution is to look for another position and get out of there. Many people have obviously done so before.

If you don't flee, the perpetrator will first start to use social pressure on you. One element of both sadistic (perp-abuser) and masochistic (dependent-victim) personality structure is that they are "field dependent", that is, very dependent on social reinforcement. They need people to think well of them and are very susceptible to social pressure. Oddly, the perp wants to abuse people but still have people think he is a "good guy." That the work settings around such people become filled with collusive victims should be no surprise if you realize this truth. All the complainers have left or been broken to the wheel.

However, this information is your most useful tool. The sadist fears public exposure. So it is not enough to quietly settle (supposedly) the first complaint in the personnel office. At the next attempt of perpetration your best defense is publicity. Go public. Speak up. Tell everyone. Anyone who objects to perpetration is hardly "field dependent." You are *not* the one who is very reactive to social pressure.

However, make sure you can defend your charges with as much evidence as possible. Keep a log of times, dates, and places of harassment or assault. Don't leave it in your desk. Carry it with you. Tape these conversations. Even in states which restrict taping without the consent of the taped, this information can be useful. If you start to receive harassing anonymous phone calls, get a Caller ID and a phone trace feature..... AND FILE A COMPLAINT for repeat offenders with the police.

The most pernicious aspect of social interactions with both perps and the office victim population can be summed up in one word:

PERSONALIZATION.

Both groups (perps and victims) will start to personalize any attempt at *abstract* conversation as you attempt to problem solve in the group. The victims' fear will increase as you attempt to get pointers and information to help you decide on a course of action. They have a mindset which does not separate abstract, "fact-based" conversations about behavior from a call for immediate action. They start to try to placate you to make you go away. They may promise to testify or act as a witness against the perp just to shut you up. Unless these people are willing to tape testimony or give you a written statement in advance of any action, I would suggest taking their comments with a gigantic grain of salt.

Any conversations you have with the perp will have a similar spin put on them. Perps are not abstract either. If you are pleasant and try to concede that it may have been a simple misunderstanding he will personalize your remarks, no matter how much you couch them in behavioral terms.

For example;

You: "I realize everyone is raised differently, and that you might not have meant the hand on the back and the butt pat as harassing, but I find these behaviors unacceptable. Please don't do them and we will get along just fine."

Perp: "I knew you'd see my point. So how about dinner and some smooching afterward."

You: "AKKKKKK.....That's the point -- our relationship should be strictly business. This is a work setting."

Perp: "I don't mean eat dinner here. We can keep it out of the office."

You: (getting angry) "I asked to talk with you alone to save you from further public embarrassment. I have no interest in a personal relationship with you. Period. Please just relate to me on just a business level from now on."

Perp: "So you want money??? "

You: (offended) "NO! I don't want money. I want you to relate to me only as a business colleague at work. I want no personal relationship with you at all. This conversation is ended."

Perp: (as you walk away) "You'll be sorry, B*tch.... Push me and you'll be sorry...."

You: (to yourself) "Push whom????... This man is impossible to talk with. What a loon..."

In my own experience, after a conversation like the one above, The perp immediately snuggled up with the office "party girl" -- I presume to make me jealous. I wished them well. When this did not have the desired effect, the perp invited everyone but me to lunch. I was so relieved. It saved me from having to turn him down in public again. I found out later I was supposed to have been "crushed" by the exclusion.

This exclusion continued for some weeks, much to my great relief. Then when I was so visibly joyous when they all left together, the perp changed tactics and started a rumor campaign. I was slandered on a huge level, with statements that were either laughable or rating a listing in some sort of psychology Guineas Book of weirdness.

Perpetrators may only lack means and opportunity to actually rape someone. However, some indeed do so --- even in office settings. They exhibit an attitude set very similar to a group of convicted rapists I once counseled. The chief feature of their mindset was: Perceived Vulnerability.

People perceived by the perps as vulnerable were almost instantly targeted. Part of the fun for many was "the hunt," or game they played with the victims. For some the game was actually more fun for them than an actual rape. Often they expressed dismay at how quickly an actual assault was over. These men would stalk the intended victim for several days before raping them.

In office settings, this game seems to take the form of trying to use common social norms to facilitate their abnormal desires. Some men report that "trapping" the victim added to their perception of pleasure and that they had achieved some sort of victory.

In a work setting, this can happen on your very first day. In the bustle of meeting colleagues and making the initial social contacts in a new job, you are at risk of being perceived as "vulnerable." You need to make positive social contacts at work, both to function in the setting and to "fit in" to the group. The perp knows this. So unless you own the company or are related to the boss, you are at definite risk of being perceived as vulnerable and thus NUMBER #1 VICTIM MATERIAL. In the course of initial first day socializing, the perp will be sizing you up with a watchful and knowledgeable eye. Most perps started as predators in early childhood, and so have years of experience. Any comment which adds to a perception of "need" will add to your "potential victim" status.

Comments about recent divorces, financial troubles, health problems, the number of children you have, or any comments about how desperately you need this job will fuel the fire of the perp's interest. Sad as this seems, it is probably wise to keep most personal information to yourself in a new job until you've had time to assess what place the people you are now meeting have in the work dynamic. Work gossip will usually reveal quite soon who are the people to avoid --- if their behavior does not do so soon enough.

It is probably also best to avoid "welcome to the office" lunch dates with any one person. Invite a group to go along. As I mentioned, predators will often use socially appropriate excuses for negative purposes. Without getting any deeper into perp psychology, I'll simply state that using the recognized social facade for criminal purposes makes the crime more fun for these people. Also, a one-on-one lunch makes it more difficult to avoid answering probing questions about vulnerable areas, although it certainly can be done. Be vague and change the subject a lot if stuck in a situation like that. In a noisy group lunch, it's much easier to divert conversations, and you have plenty of witnesses as to what you said or didn't say. Also, this avoids the common perp mindset that even casual or work-related conversation with him indicates personal or even sexual interest. The rapist comment "She wanted it" stems from this mindset. Please keep this in the forefront of your mind when dealing with these people.

So to sum up, in entering a new job, until you fully assess that there is not a predator in the work setting:

Keep personal information which might increase a perception that you are vulnerable to yourself
avoid one-on-one luncheon or dinner invitations
be vague when asked personal information not specifically related to job performance

Oddly, it seems best not to mention your professional advantages. Comments about your strength seem to threaten perps who feel you are attacking their position.

If this seems cold and taking all the fun out of work --- sorry. This is a job in the real world, where there are people who aren't very nice.

If you rear up and resist the perp within an institutional setting, you will almost instantly be the target of an astounding amount of slander and libel. None of which will, of course, ever be heard in court, should you finally lug the perpetrators there.

I can not stress this point enough. It will amaze you. Some of the slander I have personally experienced over a mere $5000 pregnancy leave are listed below. These were just a few of the "highlights":

1) My weekly visits to my clinical supervisor ( Boss) were characterized as "visits to my therapist."

2) Some of my relative's mental health problems were passed around as mine, certainly in violation to their rights to confidence. Quite frankly, other than career counseling in my BA days and talks with my ex-husband's Drug and Alcohol counselor, I've never had counseling. This disappoints many people.

3) They invented a juvenile history for me when their attempts at inventing or passing my relative's mental health histories off as mine got too boring or obvious. In reality, I was an honor scholar, former Vice_ President of our School's National Honor Society, a Former Who's WHo Among College Students, etc..etc....

4) I was portrayed as not being pregnant at all. One of my sister's adoptions of several children was portrayed as mine.

5) My frequent trips to my lawyer to prosecute these guys was portrayed as trips "to get herself out of trouble."

6) My current husband and later, my son, had all sorts of slander tossed their way also. This has made me the most angry.

I could go on at length, but the point is that an honor student, award winning and respected therapist could be so characterized, and people chose to believe it, rather than the truth they knew very well.

You must prepare yourself for this reality in dealing with perpetrators. They may lie, and quite frankly, I think they start to believe them themselves.

The fancy name for this is cognitive dissonance, but the root cause is fear.

People who have a strong emotional attachment to a belief system will cling very tightly to it. People who are afraid for their jobs will follow this paradigm and cling to any passing rumor as a way to reduce the fear they experience. This applies to the perp, and also to the people in the office who will collude with them -- either passively, by pretending they never saw anything, or actively by sharing lies and rumors. They will misrepresent and intentionally misinterpret your words and deeds to comfort themselves. Expect it.

How can one deal with this? Since I am a cognitive therapist I believe strongly in keeping your head straight. Here are some suggestions for you.

1) Keep as strong a support system as possible. The more the better, as a few people will wear down as the case lingers on.

2) Get frequent changes of scene. This will confuse the perps (who will unfortunately always have a lovely moment in which they think you have "finally" fled.)

3) Stay healthy. Get enough rest and exercise. It really does help.

4) Tell as many people as possible. Join on-line groups like the Sexual Harassment or Stoprape mailing lists. Remember, the perp wants more than anything to silence you.

5) Create a nice space in your home. Make it your haven. On a psychological level, you may need a place that is your spot of safety.

6) Get a counselor if you feel overwhelmed. Rather than taking away from your case, this will add to the legal perception of harm done to you as a victim.

7) Remember your significant other. Husbands, boyfriends, lovers, can feel very emasculated by such events. Often, retaliation by a spouse will work solely to help the perp. Work on communicating your needs as you both go through these terrible events together.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. Prepare for the worst, but expect the best results. You deserve them.

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